A Better, Lesser Me!

Massive non-scale victory

2012-01-23T03:45:00.001+11:00

Ok my skin infection is getting much better, I took the last of the anti-biotics this morning and I'm feeling much more myself thank goodness and didn't even have a huge binge to try and cheer myself up, but that's not my non-scale victory.Yesterday my friend took me out to Rockridge and Berkley, she mentioned there would be a fair bit of walking which I was fine with, we wandered around shops we stopped to look in windows, so not exactly attacking the walk with a cracking pace more a leisurely stroll. We kept walking and walking, had some lunch, wandered through a wholefoods (wow), checked out her old apartment block and gradually my knees started hurting and by the end my ankles were really sore and I knew we'd walked more than 5kms, probably the most I've actually measured walking. When we got home my friend jumpd onto google maps and plotted our walk, at least 10kms, I have never asked 10kms in a day. I had to take some ibuprofen last night because my knees, feet and ankles were so sore and I'm really sore this morning but so happy that I was able to move my body that far even if it was over the course of a number of hours.I'm looking forward to heading home in a couple of days and hoping I can maintain this walking and healthy eating. I don't feel like I have missed out on eating anything while I've been here, I've tried everything I wanted to, I've eaten carbs every evening, I've had alcohol most evenings and I am leaving lighter and brighter than When I arrived. Everything in moderation right, I'm sure as I lose weight I'll need to alter what I'm doing, but basically if I can avoid bingeing and snacking through the evenings I should be ok for now.

This may be a case of tmi! :-(

2012-01-21T09:15:00.000+11:00

I hate feeling horrible while on holiday, I'm not sick exactly but I've got a skin infection.About 15 years ago I had an allergy to some bites on my lower legs and a got a massive infection which lasted for about 8 months. I was much heavier than I am now and very inactive, I had circulation issues and that is why the ulceration took so long to clear.Ever since ive been prone to skin infections but haven't really experienced it in a long time. Over the past week or so I've had a few pimples that turned into huge yucky revolting things and now I have one just below my nose and it causes my lip to swell each night. I know it's really infected nd I'm hoping with time, antibiotic cream and a few antibiotics I have that it dries out.The result is I'm feeling yucky, I want to eat to comfort myself and watch chick flicks. I'm trying really hard not to go down to the shop a minute's walk away and buy an array of sweet and savoury crap to munch. It won't help me, it certainly help my healing process so I'm doing my best here not to give in.

Mid-week musings

2012-01-19T10:46:00.001+11:00

I can't believe my holiday is nearly over, less than a week until I am on my way home.I haven't really been doing much, my head has been stuck in the millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson, I've had quite a few sedentary days reading and forcing myself to go out for little walks. Last week was a week of eating, my friend who I am staying with has the same issue as me in relation to evening snacking, and there is a shop about 1 minute's lk ay that stocks a few new goodies I've discovered like hint of lime tositos corn chips which are so much better than Australian corn chips and there there was that pint of Ben and Jerry's everything but.... Which was amazing, the three of us sat and watched tv while eating a pint of that each. And I can't believe I'm actually dressing up to that but maybe it's because it wasn't a secret affair it was 3 of us eating over 1000 calories each and enjoying it together. It wasn't me shoveling it in by myself and getting oesophagus freeze. This week we've both committed to eating less or not at all in the evenings and the last couple of days have been ok. Either way I know I'm heading home lighter than I arrived, I tried on my flight socks yesterday and they are so much looser. I should explain they are not loose, they are just not painful,I'll admit they really cut in up the top on my flight out.I'm off for a bit of as nap, it is holiday time after all then a walk to add to my short walk this morning, so probably about 4km all day, not awesome but better than nothing.

Shopping

2012-01-10T17:06:00.001+11:00

I am using my iPad for blogging while I am away and I'm not sure what happened but it ate this post!

Pain and a non-scale victory

2012-01-07T04:26:00.001+11:00

Yesterday was my second seriously touristy day in San Francisco. I got the bus and train into the city and waited patiently for the tour bus to come round the corner. I waited for 45 minutes then gave up and decided to walk (yes I actually chose to move my body instead of waiting for a 4 wheeled vehicle) I felt happy and free walking through the streets miles from anyone who knew me. Then I came face to face with an enormous hill, argh my nemesis, I hate hills and stairs. I took a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other (admittedly after spending a few minutes waiting for a cable car which never came) I wandered up and down hills through Chinatown and the city. I also did the tour bus over the golden gate bridge and through Sausalito and caught the train home. I went to the shops to get some fish for dinner on the way home and ended up getting off at the wrong bus stop and walking for ages and ages. I arrived home about sore as anything but pretty pleased with myself for walking so far and tackling the hills. This morning I woke up with such a sore bottom despite having done lots and lots of stretching last night, nice to know I've given them a good work out!Ok so the non-scale victory? Last night I put on a t-shirt to sleep in, it's a very cute design from Threadless but their women's extra extra large is like an 18 so I have to order the men's extra extra large. Normally I have to do a bit super stretch on the hips and on the arms, last night, no super stretch was required, woo hoo! Very excited and motivated to keep being moderately careful of what I'm putting in my mouth and making educated decisions about what I really want to eat.

I have to accept I am a tourist!

2012-01-05T06:49:00.001+11:00

I hate tourists, I hate being a tourist, being one of these idiots taking cheesy photos of cliched objects and views. After a few drinks on Christmas day I proudly (though untruthfully) boasted, I'm a traveller, not a tourist, bahahaha what a self-deluding fib. I have been traipsing around taking pictures of all the beautiful and interesting things I'm seeing in San Francisco, I'm sitting in a Starbucks drinking a really average non-fat latte. I'm sure I asked for a low fat small latte, but it's caffeine and I've been awake for ages. My main reason for Starbucks was the wifi while I'm waiting for the next tour bus to go round the park and haight ashbury.I love the liberty of doing whatever I want it's truly fantastic, but I wonder how I am going to land when I get home, things are going to be different, my eyes are open and I've seen who I could be. I know I had dreams about staying here before I left but I do believe that was just my flight or fight instinct taking over but this time my flight instinct is taking on a geographical nature as opposed to an emotional escape using food.This trip is making me realise that, yes I am feeling stagnant in Melbourne but I don't think I want to be anywhere else, especially in this financial climate. My emotions have been stirred up and I've come to a point where I'm liking myself a whole lot more and while there is a man out there that loves me and wants me he can't commit to what I want. I'll be frank I don't like talking about men on here too much but I get frustrated with most Australian men I meet, I generally am interested in those men who have a European background. I've met and chatted to a few men over here and have generally found them to be interesting, charming and good to talk to. My bottom line here is I'm ready for a partner, I'm ready to accept someone into my life and let them love me and at times I get pretty down about not having this in my life and feel like everyone I know is a member of a secret private club I'm not allowed into because I don't have a partner. I also wonder if my parents could see that someone loves me and wants me for exactly who I am they would be less pushy in my need to change (ie lose weight) and would let me live my own life. I know I need to give it time, there is someone out there for me, someone will love me, want me, and be there for me, Im telling the universe I'm ready for this, hopefully she will provide.Ok I didn't mean for this post to head this way but there it is, from touristy blathering to lack of romance dribbling all in half an hour.Well I'm off to wander around union square before my next bus.

Exploring

2011-12-31T15:24:00.001+11:00

The last few days have involved lots of walking. I've explored a few small pockets of Saan Francisco only to discover the place is enormous!Yesterday I walked around Golden Gate Park, well a few areas of the park and my goodness there were some stairs and hills, but mainly the stairs bothered me, wow, I can't wait for things like that not to worry me but for now Im just persevering.Today I walked around the piers and checked out the sea lions (man they are stinky)that took around 3 hours. I tried a soft pretzel, didn't really float my boat at all, and get this, I didn't even eat it all, hard to believe really. I found a place for lunch later on. All I wanted was a simple sandwich but I discovered they are really hard to find, salads had a heap of dressing on but I ordered a veggie burger, what a mistake that was, deep fried hard pattie, horrible soggy sweet yellow bun and about 1/4 creamy dressing, so I chucked that too. I can't believe I actually threw away two different foods today, such strange behaviour for me!Each day I examine my stomach and there are new changes to it, I'm starting to hope maybe people will see a difference when I get back to Melbourne, even excited by the thought of getting on the scales at my first personal training session.Holidays and being healthy, novel concept.

Christmas day recap

2011-12-27T11:56:00.001+11:00

I hope everyone has had a magnificent Christmas and boxing day (I can't believe that doesn't exist here in America)So my first stateside Christmas was great. I knew there were going to be about 20 people there and only knowing 25% of the people there was starting to freak me out and my social anxiety was starting to kick in big time. I had a strategy, I took along a magnum of prosecco :-) and gave myself a mantra no one knows you, you can be who ever you want. I knew there was going to be a lot of food given the family I'm staying with we're taking 3 massive vegetable dishes so I didn't have anything to eat that day so 2 glasses of prosecco went straight to my head I tried not to eat too many of the pre meal nibbles, I avoided the banana cake with coffee when we arrived and only had a couple of crackers with the dip then with my meal I ate lots of veggies, salad, a tiny dollop of mashed potato, dinner roll and fish, of the dinner roll was unnecessary but I love American dinner rolls. Then desert, wow, a massive piece of brownie with a small scoop of vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce...I admit I ate every little piece, it was unbelieveable.!!!! Oh and lots of red wine was drunk, but I had a lovely time I met lovely new people, I think I made an ok impression, and had a great day.While I ate lots yesterday I haven't freaked out and binged on crap, my friend and I are looking after each other and I appreciate her not buying heaps of stuff that I love. We went for a good sized walk today and stopped for for a bento box for lunch. So I've had a little chocolate, I've had a small amount of peanut butter on toast each morning for breakfast and I've drunk lots of red wine my belly is shrinking and looking more shrivelled than it was which is always my indicator that I'm losing weight, amazing what happens when you're busy and happy and not searching for something.

First full day

2011-12-24T15:33:00.001+11:00

I'm writing this on my pad so there will be no formatting or anything for the posts while I'm here.So the flight was ok, very squashed but that was to be expected. I barely ate on the plane; it didn't really seem worth it, a roll, some juice, a dried apricot, fruit salad and lots of water. My hips were sore after the flight and I'm determined they won't be as wide when I leave.Ive been here a day and a half and not yet eaten any crap, I went to the supermarket yesterday and was intrigued by how much pre-packaged food was in the shelves. I was overwhelmed by all the chocolate, biscuits, and general sweet crap there is, I'm so drawn to it but I know it's not worth it. I've had quite a bit of wine but that may settle down, also the two children I'm staying with gave me these from their halloween collection, a fun size butterfingers and a fun size peanut butter snickers. I've not eaten them yet and don't have that frantic need either which is awesome, I'm just enjoying my holiday as I hoped I would, without freaking out about food, I even went on a tiny little walk today, better than nothing right!

Today is the day

2011-12-22T07:26:00.001+11:00

Im excited, nervous, relieved my emotions are an absolute schmozzle!I managed to get myself aisle seats on all flights, I have all the bases covered for my health, looked up exercises and have them on my phone.I can't wait to get there, though I've got a 3 hour wait in Auckland.I'll try to keep posting regularly, I'm taking my iPad to keep up to date with everything.Time to get ready!

Another loss

2011-12-17T11:49:00.001+11:00

Wow what a week! So pleased it's over. I had a great week, though I admit the last couple of days haven't been great eating, again sleep, and alos flo visiting always means I'm searching for extra carbs.

I got on the scales on Thursday with my trainer and I've lost again, while my weight is not the lowest its been since R has been weighing me my body fat is the lowest she has recorded so the numbers are going down and it's actual fat stores I'm losing woo hoo. Clothes are starting to get a little looser, my tummy is looking more like a disaster zone each time I examine it every few days so there's progress :-)

As I've mentioned I'm looking forward to trying new foods in San Francisco but not going crazy. My goal is to do the 30 day shred every other day and 15 mins walking, as a bare minimum to counteract the effects of these different foods. Because I know myself and fear getting a little out of control I asked R to write down my weight on a piece of paper and fold it up. That way if I get that crazy feeling I can look and it and remind myself that I really don't like that number and how it feels on my body. R put it in a tiny zip lock bag and taped it up and I've buried it in a part of my wallet I never go. Is that insane? I feel like it's a safety net!

Happy Saturday Everyone!

Absolutely exhausted!

2011-12-14T18:03:00.002+11:00

Can I put on my whingey voice and just complain that I'm so tired! I'm running on empty. Thank goodness it's weigh in day tomorrow or I would be scarfing down the box of ferrero rocher I brought home and will be taking straight out when I head to my brother's for dinner in an hour.

I had friends stay over last night, these friends include two beautiful children one of whom woke up in the middle of the night and started full volume babbling, I also slept on 2 sofa cushions and a dog's bed (long story). These facts on top of it being less than one week until work is over for the year has left me shattered and when I'm tired and trying to stay awake I am, probably like most people, absolutely fucking starving! I know my calories will be way over what I wanted them to be today, not because I have binged but because I've had extra coffees and healthy snacks through the day to stave off a binge. Training and weigh in tomorrow, I've been eating well so I must be down, don't like to jinx myself and get too cocky.

Goodbye 2011, you were hard work!

2011-12-11T18:33:00.001+11:00

I knew 2011 was going to be a good year when it began. I didn't know how it was going to be a good year; when I reached those really low places and actually acknowledged that I was there I wondered how on earth I had thought it would work out well for me.2011 was all about reprogramming things, it was about looking inside and starting to rebuild some more healthy thinking, a healthier more balanced relationship with myself, with food, with my family and friends and just generally a healthier mind.I feel 2012 will be the start of some physical changes i believe, I did a lot of the ground work last year and am looking forward to that hard work paying off. I feel like this holiday was really well timed, I needed a hiatus between the years.I don't resolutions, they never work for me but I suppose I use it as a time to reflect,refocus and reprioritise.In 2011 I reached a low I hadn't felt in at least a decade, I started taking antidepressants and they changed my whole way of thinking and gave me clarity I'd never had before and the ability to see my behavior more clearly and understand where it comes from, all thanks to therapy and medication. I finally committed to doing my validation, the work project type thing I needed to do to move to the next bracket in my profession, I don't know if I passed but I did finally submit it. Again not something I would have done had I not gone to my doctor and asked for help. One of the hardest things last year was to accept that as I changed and developed my relationships around me changed, something I'm still wrestling with.So, 2012! What will I do with you? Professionally I'm going to look at where I am in 6 months and assess whether I still want to move on and look for a directing job (at the moment I teach in a preschool but I'd like to be a director now as well). Concentrating on my health while I'm here in San Francisco while thoroughly enjoying myself is going to leave me in a good place to concentrate on fitness when I return to melbourne at the end of the month. I plan to embrace the gym again and make it non-negotiable as a regular part of my life again, last year I gave myself too many reasons not to exercise due to injury initially, then fear of injury.So that's where I am at the moment. I'm loving my holiday, yesterday my friend drove me down to Carmel by the sea, we ate a delicious lunch then walked down the massive hill to the beach. I started freaking out n the way down about how I would make it up again but I did, admittedly in a disgusting sweat that made my hair soaking wet (embarrassing and revolting). We watched Jamie Oliver after dinner and he made semi freddo and we got a hankering for ice cream that was seriously extreme. My friend asked me if I wanted a pint of Ben and jerry or a king sized drumstick. I so wanted a pint of b and j's but being sensible I had the drumstick. When he got back we assessed the damage, 360 calories compared to his 1260!!!! I loved the drumstick and got to eat a spoonful of his ice cream, totally sated!Not sure what's on today, maybe a quiet day, I'm reading the girl with the dragon tattoo and it's starting to really grab me, relaxing is what holidays are all about right?I hope everyone had a lovely new years, we didn't do much, I was in bed by 11 after a little too much red wine. But new years eve has never really grabbed me, just an excuse for serious boozing!Well that's my first prattling for 2012, I'm starting in a good place I'm looking forward to seeing what happens. I see a couple more people are following my journey, welcome to you. :-)

A favourite recipe

2011-12-11T18:09:00.001+11:00

So I actually got off my arse and did a few things today, wandered around a shopping centre for 3 hours (including a 15 minute coffee break), I got all the presents I need for Christmas and my trip and also got a couple of crochet shrugs which I've been searching for. I finally got snail pellets for my poor little tomatoes and herbs, I did a load of washing, and have just cooked a a dish of ricotta and spinach cannelloni so I can store it in the freezer in portions to have on Thursday after training. I've been buying quite a few lean cuisines lately and not only is it expensive the one I like is more than 400 calories and it's not like you feel really full after any of those meals anyway, well I don't and also it's not exactly a whole food experience is it?

So I thought I would share this recipe as it's one of my favourite pasta meals that is really satisfying and really low in fat. Plus I have used so many recipes and food ideas from manny of you health bloggers out there so it's time to give another little bit back

I got the recipe from the Australian Women's Weekly Best of Vegetarian Food except I changed it from the thick enormous shells they use to the much thinner cannelloni.

Ricotta and Spinach (pasta shells) Cannelloni

Make a tomato sauce, an onion finely diced, garlic, sauteed, herbs, 2 tins tomatoes, few spoons tomato paste simmer for a while. add salt and pepper and I always throw in a pinch of sugar too. Once it's all cooked together add 1 cup vegetable stock

In a bowl mix 500g cottage cheese, 250g ricotta (both low fat) and 500g spinach (I always use frozen and drain it really well and squeeze as much water as you can out)

Fill a zip lock bag with the spinach mixture, cut a corner off and pipe into the cannelloni tubes (It takes 1 1/2 packets) This is a fine art and it's a case of practise makes perfect via lots of mess. Once they're all full, nestle them all together in a lasagne dishand pour over the tomato sauce. If you're like me and you find you haven't really efficiently laid your canneloni tubes out and there are lots of pieces sticking out of the top you might have to throw an extra tin of crushed tomatoes over the top, oops!

Sprinkle with grated parmesan (not the powdered stuff), I used a 25g single serve pack and put in a moderate oven for an hour. I have no idea what a moderate oven is, I guessed 180C and it's always worked for me and I check it at 55 mins. When it's done it should be bubbling round the eges and the cheese starts going golden. If the cheese doesn't brown up you can always pop it under the grill for a few minutes.

Pre-oven!

Now the recipe says it serves 4 which is odd as when I use the cannelloni tubes I can get at least 9 serves out of it.

I had all the best intentions of typing that out nicely but you get the idea.

This weekend could have been a disaster, but I feel as though Friday never happened. I'm pleased that it wasn't even an effort not to binge again once I threw that sodden piece of toast in the bin on Friday night. A victory.

Recovery

2011-12-10T20:23:00.001+11:00

Two posts in one day seems a bit excessive I know but I'm looking after some children this evening to earn a little extra cash and I've been reflecting on the past 24 hours.

I can't believe this time yesterday I was so wrapped up in bingeing, I was eating mindlessly, completely without thought, yet a day later I am feeling great, I didn't let the poisonous behaviour I indulged in yesterday bleed into today. I've have a clean and fresh day.

I know I've had the help of duromine today but I can still eat on duromine I just don't think about food that much so don't tend to find myself in situations that involve food, does that make sense?

I was organised today, I spent the afternoon at work making up some cleaning time I will miss when I'm on the plane headed to San Francisco via Auckland. Before I left home I ate my usual lunch time sandwich, packed a yoghurt for afternoon tea, and made a big tuna salad, I did treat myself to a latte on my way to work and it was delicious.

There are some delicious looking goodies on the kitchen bench left for me, I might eat the raspberries later if I'm hungry but I'm not really interested in the slice of biscotti or cake, the bowl of m & ms and nuts and sultanas is tempting but I had a chat to myself and I"m not hungry and I've had a really lean day which is great because I think I probably had 3 days worth of calories yesterday.

A good recovery I think, here's to another great day tomorrow.

Picking myself up

2011-12-10T11:01:00.001+11:00

I have to say I have done a great job of recovering from yesterday.
I woke up to a messy reminder of yesterdays binge eating in my kitchen and on my coffee table.
I tried out one of the sleeping tablets last night and wow are they good, I had 8 whole hours of sleep I did not stir once, they are amazing, I feel better than I have in weeks this morning. I've already put a wash on, tidied up and just ordered a winter coat from Old Navy

Love it, the last time I bought a coat was at my highest weight and it looks slightly odd when I wear it these days so I'm excited to have something warm to wear when I get there.

So anyway back to moving on, I cleared away my debris and all reminders of yesterday, particularly last night and prepared my usual breakfast, 2 pieces of light rye toast, low fat cream cheese instead of butter, promite and a skinny latte, I also had a punnet of blueberries. Delicious, sated and ready for my day. I also took a duromine this morning to ensure I have a great day and food isn't buzzing around in my head.

This morning I've been emailing back and forth with my friend that Im seeing in San Fransisco (in 12 days woop) and I went through all the things I've been doing to get ready for the flight, even down to getting a low dosage of aspirin and started taking it as a precaution. She knows I don't want to come back heavier and I've always talked about all this junky food I want to try but it's been dawning on me that food is becoming less of a focus. Don't get me wrong I still want to eat fresh authentic Mexican food, I want to try some real San Franciscan sourdough and clam chowder and I want to know what a soft pretzel tastes like, try a Graham cracker and I want to try 1 smores. I'd like to bring back some trader joes almond butter because Shauna over at The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl has raved about it, I'm curious about the low fat powdered peanut butter you can buy over there. However all that said I'm no longer looking forward to scarfing down peanut butter m & ms, hoovering butterfingers, burning myself on pop tarts, trying all the Ben and Jerry flavours and sampling an endless line of confectionary. So while initially I was so excited about the food I'm much more interested in shopping for clothes and shoes and make up, it's all so cheap over there and I intend to take full advantage of this. This of course all comes a very definite second to seeing friends, spending time with them, getting away from things at home and exploring a brand new city, these three things are the most important.

So as you can see yesterday is behind me, I no reason to think about it any more, it was what it was, a day filled with binge eating and today is back to how things have been for around 3 weeks, less focus on food, more focus on living!

Not the best day

2011-12-09T21:01:00.001+11:00

I have had a terrible day but also an incredibly surprising one.

I binged today. I'm so upset with myself and so amazed too that it was so easy to do! I know I am starting to get better but I have to be real enough to know that I will slip up from time to time and that I just need to get up, brush myself off and keep going.

I'm not entirely sure why, I think I got too cocky yesterday after I ate that bread and cheese in such a binge like way and decided my urge to binge was gone. I woke up this morning and did not have the ingredients to my normal breakfast, I had no fruit for morning tea, no capsicum for my everyday sandwich and it all got out of my rhythm, so I started making toast and eating toast, I defrosted butter from the freezer, I ate buttered toast until I felt ill.

I went off to work without a belly full of toast and butter and guilt without having all the healthy tools I take with me each day like fruit, water bottle etc. I came home via the supermarket and watched myself buying things, knowing full well I'd eat them but I couldn't pull away, if I am totally honest I didn't want to. I even ate dinner then after dinner I ate as the day began with buttered toast.

It's disgusting I know but I have come to a place where I can be this honest with myself and also let other people know exactly what I did.

I can tell you this as I was about to eat the last piece of toast I had made myself and watch the butter dripping off it, my out loud reaction was this is disgusting I dont want to eat this and started scraping the butter off then got a glimpse of myself and how completely absurd the behaviour was and wrapped the toast in a plastic bag, threw it in the bin, put the butter in the back of the freezer, walked out of the kitchen, turning the lights off as I left.

I've never ever done this, been able to stop myself when I'm in full binge mode. Sure I could have stopped myself earlier but maybe that's for next time. Right now I'm so stunned and fucking delighted I just pulled myself up just like that and it wasn't even hard when I got to that point, normally I stop because I'm going to be sick if I eat any more.

So on one hand an embarrassing slip up, on the other hand I'm really proud of myself!

Bad news and good news

2011-12-08T20:57:00.001+11:00

I'm so disappointed!! I was all geared up to be weighed this evening but my trainer's sick so cancelled and now I'm feeling edgy. I just ate a slice of cheese between 2 pieces of bread; I'm not even sure why. Well I do have a theory that I was getting all excited about jumping on the scales and just the let down left me hanging. SO I'm disappointed that I didn't get weighed and I'm disappointed that I scarfed down totally unnecessary calories when I had dinner a couple of hours ago and was no longer hungry.

I am, however elated on another topic. The goodies that have been causing my angst are no longer in my possession, or my fat cells! I passed the chocolate almonds on to a friend to give to her son's family day carer and the cookies and chocolate cake balls I actually watched friend's eat in my house, they even travelled home in the car with me, wowsers. My friends took them home with them and I bid them adieu! Oh and I even palmed off an enormous shortbread star today!

One not great and 3 pretty damn goods, so I'm going to take that as a win! I can't quite believe it, but I know I can't let my guard down, it's sure to be the tip of the iceberg.

Actually I thought of another good thing, that binge that has been humming around in me since last Friday seems to have passed and not been sated.

Foods that taunt me

2011-12-05T19:15:00.001+11:00

I know that Christmas is hard for everyone trying to lose weight or just eat healthily and in moderation. Everywhere we go at the time of year there is food being served or offered your way.

Christmas in itself is not an issue for me apart from wine and champagne of course, it's everything that comes before it. As a teacher I'm given lots of gifts which is very sweet and generous of families but many of these are edible gifts. Being a sweet tooth this is sheer torture, today I was given a box of goodies, some chocolate balls made from cake soaked and mixed with butter and cocoa and other deliciousness and some peanut butter biscuits (cookies). Like I said, torture, peanut butter and chocolate, slam it in some ice cream and you have my trifecta, like a Ben and Jerry flavour. So I tried to pass these on to a colleague but she refused, normally my brother would take them but he doesn't eat peanut butter so I'm left with this little box of deliciousness that I can't even put in my car because I will scarf all of it down before I arrive home, I know that of myself. If I can't find anyone to give it to I will be forced to throw it out but that will just be what I need to do but I really hate wasting food. I"m sure I'll be whingeing about this more in the next few weeks but I have had a binge humming in the background for a few days now and I haven't sated it so I need to be really careful, eating sugar at the moment could be a gateway to massive binge.

I know, all this fuss over some biscuits it's ridiculous, I truly hope one day that things like this won't happen to me, that being given a box of deliciousness will not cause me an absurd level of stress!

A near miss

2011-12-03T21:42:00.001+11:00

I nearly binged today.I didn't, I managed to stop myself just before it kicked, I avoided a binge by the skin of my teeth.My food timing has been all out of whack today and I think this attributed to my near binge.Weekends are hard.

What triggers off a binge on a lovely Friday evening?

2011-12-02T19:34:00.001+11:00

Well thank goodness it's Friday. I'm so pleased it's arrived I'm exhausted and it's nice to know I have two days to fill myself. I just realised this is my 200th post, I never believed I'd last that long, especially as I haven't lost a truck load of weight.

I think I'm getting better at listening to my body. I went out for breakfast this morning for a work thing and I was so hungry given I had a fierce training session last night and only had veggie soup for dinner. I looked at menu, the eggs looked good, fruit toast with butter sounded great with a coffee, as for the brioche (read buttery sweet bread) french toast wow, damn I wanted that. I really wanted something I never have so I opted for toasted muesli with banana and yoghourt. I know toasted muesli, full of sugar and fat but it is packed with fibre, low gi and protein in the nuts, seeds and the yoghourt. I ate the lot and it was exactly what I wanted, washed down with a skinny latte I was in breakfast heaven. I took lunch and snacks to work but only had my soup for lunch and for a first I brought food home from work; I actually didn't eat the other snacks of fruit and yoghourt I'd allocated because I wasn't hungry. I know this sounds completely inane but it's hard for me to listen to my body and work out what it wants and doesn't want! I do have to be careful as often a big breakfast can lead to a day of huge eating and while I congratulate myself on one hand I can feel that thing in me since I've been home that could lead to a binge. I don't know why that seed has been planted but I've felt it once I arrived home and dumped my things on my desk which is in the kitchen; perhaps it's the big breakfast, perhaps I'm genuinely hungry, or I'm tired, or perhaps it's the reaction to the invitation I received to my brother's wedding in February. I think it may be that final point if I'm honest with myself, I'm surrounded by couples and couples having babies at the moment and I'm feeling it, I'm wondering when I'll let someone in who is truly available, emotionally and physically but that's a whole other post. I hate hanging around groups of couples and families these days, it brings out my self-hatred in a fierce way, I've been invited to friends' place next weekend, they're all loved up in their newly purchased home and have invited me and lots of couples and children to have a big get together up there and to be honest I think I have to stay away, I don't think I can bear it, and I really think it's going to jeopardise my nice calm state of mind I've managed to put together at the moment, I'm not prepared to do that for anyone. So that's the basis of the binge seed (I'm coining this phrase) that has been been planted this evening. I will fight it.

Oh I should note R weighed me last night, a loss! Very pleased but given there was a gain last week, there bloody well should have been a loss. Here's to another great week and a loss again next Thursday; I'm just taking one day at a time. If I could weave exercise back into my life other than weekly hour of training things would move more quickly, it's almost as if I've lost the balls to exercise after all these foot, tendon etc issues. Any suggestions other than just do it?

Tv temptation!

2011-11-29T21:16:00.000+11:00

I love some cooking shows, I've been watching them since I was a child and I still love the ones I watch.

This evening I was flicking through the stations having eaten a tuna salad full of vegetable goodness when I came across a Nigella episode. Nigella is my favourite to watch, I love how she loves food and cooking. My tuna salad had filled me with room left for a little yoghurt or fruit after dinner (something sweet after dinner seems a bit too challenging for me to erase from my life so I just leave enough calories to fit it in) and generally I was pretty sated, then she made a peanut butter and chocolate cheesecake! Now I know many people would say that's way too rich, but for me there really is no such thing I don't think, well very few things. I've seen this episode before but as she was putting digestive biscuits, butter, salted peanuts and dark chocolate in a food processor and whizzed it up all I could think of was how awesome spoonfulls of that would taste, as she kept going I was salivating imagining it crunching sweetly in my mouth. There was a peanut buttery filling then on top was sour cream, milk chocolate and brown sugar. OMG!!!!! I was drooling, salty peanut and chocolate, I want, I want, I want!!!!!

So I will go to bed soon and dream of cheesecakes or cakes or peanuts or chocolate, probably! But I wont let this craving get hold of me, I'm now 13 days binge free and I've never been so long. I've had the odd extra treat but I've logged everything I've eaten and have felt balanced and calm when eating which is a great thing, I just have to wait for this craving to pass. Apparently the average craving only lasts 5 minutes so I won't have too much longer to wait.

9.5 days!

2011-11-26T20:45:00.000+11:00

Well, weigh day came and went, I did jump on the scales with the proviso my trainer just tell me up or down...the answer was up. I didn't want to know how much; having been in such a good cycle for a week I didn't want to know the number and let that derail me, I just continue doing my thing and see what next week says and the week after and I'm just going to ask her to let me know when I'm back to what I was when she first weighed me a couple of months ago. I know it seems like I'm playing cat and mouse with the scales but they really mess with my head and can completely knock me for six, even if the answers good.

See it goes like this...

Get weighed on Thursday evening, R tells me D, you have put on *kgs to which I reply I knew it crap! Well another week, back on the horse blah blah blah. I then head home via the supermarket and spend the evening eating to commiserate knowing I have a whole week to work it off and the weight I put on that week

Or it goes like this...

Get weighed on Thursday evening, R tells me D, you have lost *kgs to which I reply Woo hoo, I knew it. There'l be more off next week! I then head home via the supermarket and spend the evening eating to celebrate knowing I have a whole week to work it off and then a bit more too.

Messed up hey!

By saying to R I just need to be accountable for the bingeing I did before I pulled my socks up and concentrated hard on not bingeing for the past week without giving myself a number to focus on I've managed to just keep going without Thursday being a giant hiccup either way. Does all that make sense? Bottom line is I've been binge-free for 9.5 days. That said today (Saturday) has been hard, I forgot to take a duromine this morning having decided I would take them on the weekends and now I remember why, all this time where I'm at home is dangerous so I just went out, left the house and it's much safer that way.

I've been concentrating on protein to fill me up lately to the point I had a banana and some cottage cheese for morning tea today. Not together, but I did eat the cottage cheese on it's own, I quite like it, not the slimy one though, I found it just made the banana last that little bit longer.

Speaking of protein I've discovered these small protein bars at the supermarket and they are delicious!!

I've only tried the cookies and cream and the choc-raspberry, the former being knock-your-socks-of-delicious and they don't have that funky cardboardy texture a lot of protein bars have and only 100 calories and 2 grammes of carbs! Love them, I've been looking for something like this for ages, perfect for afternoon tea to get me through the afternoon and a work out.

I love a new discovery :-)

I hope of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving celebrations over there.

Made it to six days

2011-11-22T20:41:00.000+11:00

It felt good to write that last post, it was very difficult to be that honest, it's behaviour I'm really ashamed of but the thing about hitting that kind of low is that you can only pull yourself upwards from there.

The last 6 days have been good days, I know I've been here before, I think 9 days is my record of clean balanced eating, I lose track there have been so many fresh starts (further embarrassment).

Moving on...I'm feeling much better in myself and I know I am lighter than I was 6 days ago, I have to be. I've been sticking to around 1800 calories a day, breakfast, lunch and snacks are pretty monotonous but that works for me, I just mix it up with dinner. I took duromine for the first 5 days, today was my first day without and I've been ok so far, though this time of day (post-dinner) is my dodgiest period. It really helps on the weekend to keep me from turning to food to distract myself or avoid boredom, although I know eventually have to stand on my own two feet and do the weekends without it but right now it works

I don't have anything more going on really just plodding along, taking each day in my stride trying not to think about weighing in on Thursday. I want to avoid the scale, my trainer wont hassle me if I don't want to but I feel like I'm cheating if I'm not honest with myself and get weighed.

Bingeing, from the start

2011-11-19T16:08:00.000+11:00

I've been encouraged by Miss April in her comment on my last post to really think about why I binge and I don't think it's ever something I've really been that open about on here, mainly because I am ashamed that it's a horrible part of who I am and I'm embarrassed that it's something I struggle with almost every day.

I remember the first thing I binged on, I took a block of chocolate from the fridge, cadbury hazelnut if I remember rightly. There were two packs in the fridge door, one just opened and one unopened, I took that one. I can't remember how I got it out of the kitchen but I imagine the house was fairly empty and I just shoved it up my jumper and took it downstairs to the bathroom where I ate quickly barely tasting it after the first rush of fat and sugar surged over my tongue and swirled around my mouth. I kept going until it was all gone and my jaws ached horribly and I was gagging for water.

I can't remember if I'd discovered I could help myself to food without asking before that or if that started afterwards, actually I'm pretty sure it was the first thing I took without permission. It was liberating, it was something I did for myself, by myself, no one could take it away, it was private. I know I've mentioned a few times that there was a lot of control and conformity in my childhood, adults were always right (even if they were your primary school teachers loudly teasing you about your body in front of 30 of your peers), you always did what you were told without question and generally I never felt I had anything personal or private, that is until I ate the bar of chocolate and told my mother a barefaced lie when she asked me if I had taken something I shouldn't have from the fridge (wow I've never actually told anyone that, I've never talked about it in therapy, told friends or anyone)

I think I was about 10, maybe a bit younger when that happened and that chocolate bar was the gateway to about 25 years of bingeing and compulsive eating. Everything in my head was confused, warped and frustrated but this was when my body started getting messed up.

I've binged for so long it feels like it's part of me, part of my identity except that thanks to hours of therapy this year and probably medication I've come to a place where bingeing actually doesn't give me that nice, sleepy numbness or the escape that it used to. So the question is why the hell do I still do it. The thing with bingeing is for me there is a fine line between a bit of compulsive eating and a full on binge, where do you draw the line? Is it only a binge when I go to the supermarket, buy a heap of stuff knowing I'll scarf the lot down as soon as I'm home or is it when I spend a couple of hours doing laps between the kitchen and the sofa?

It confuses me, it honestly does whether it is compulsive eating or bingeing. While I know I do both and I can put tactics into play for the compulsive eating but the bingeing, once it's got it's claws in me I need a crowbar to dig them out so in the name of honesty I should just face the fact that more often that not it's bingeing.

When I think about why I used to binge it was for the numbing effect, to escape my life, to calm the anxiety, to ease the symptoms of depression, to have something private that I could control and no one else played a part in. So now the bingeing doesn't alleviate these issues, I'm not even such an emotional eater these days; I'm less topsy turvy in that department but I still do it, so maybe I should think about how I binge if I am really to tackle it.

I go to the supermarket and buy foods that I like to binge on, I come home having eaten something in the car too, and eat the lot then I'm done for the day
I get up have breakfast and just don't seem to be able to stop eating until I'm totally full and head off to late work sluggish from all the carbs
I'm at home feeling aimless and begin eating, all of a sudden it's early evening and I've pretty much emptied my kitchen of all food that doesn't need cooking
Come home from work start snacking and it just gets a life force of its own, back and forth to the kitchen for another snack, sometimes including dinner and it's bedtime all of a sudden and I'm full to the brim
After dinner trips to the kitchen until bedtime

These are the scenarios in which I binge. I always regret it afterwards, I pretty much always feel sick, sometimes even have agonising nights of indigestion depending on what I've been bingeing on. And yet it's still here with me.

I feel such shame when I see these words in black and white, writing them in the full knowledge I'll hit publish and send them out into the universe, but maybe sending them out there will help me stop holding on to the destructive behaviour that doesn't even seem to serve its purpose any more. I can't really explain how grateful I am to be so nervous about this post being there for anyone to read but knowing there is a supportive community who don't seem to judge me for who I am, a community of support and encouragement and acceptance.

Catching up

2011-11-17T21:43:00.000+11:00

I feel pretty stupid lately, this is meant to be me telling my journey of finally losing weight and yet all I do is struggle and fail. I let everything get the better of me and I'm embarrassed to put posts out there when there are other bloggers logging a loss week after week. I keep feeling a flush of positivity, like it's all together then a day later I'm barely keeping my head above water, bingeing and overeating like a fool. I don't think messing around with my medication for a month or so has been great for my stability (I think I mentioned that in my last post) and I need stability to keep myself on an even keel.

Today I woke up feeling like enough is enough, I actually took a duromine for the first time in months because I am sick of being on the cycle of binge and shame that I have been on for the past month or so and it's the only thing I could think of to do. Consequently I've eaten exactly as someone trying to lose weight should today.

I came home from work and tidied up my apartment, it's been as chaotic and messy as my eating and my thought processes have been lately and now I feel calmer and more controlled. Tonight I'll go to bed without a belly full of fat, sugar, carbs and dairy which is how I've been ending most days for quite some time. I've missed this non-food obsessed feeling, I wish it was normal for me to feel like this; I know it's just the duromine that's make food less of a focus, and I know it's a bandaid but I just want to eradicate the daily bingeing, I can't bear being that person again. I can feel it too, I can feel every binge on my body, I feel heavier, my body feels disgusting, I can't believe when I first put all the weight on I didn't notice, I couldn't feel it, how numb was I?. The difference is these days bingeing doesn't make me numb and help me escape it just disgusts me and am am horrifyingly aware of the changes in my body, the expanding double chin, puffier face, extra back rolls, tighter belly. I'm also feeling sluggish, more awkward, more constricted and just gross! So as you can see I'm not feeling great about my body at the moment, but it's going to get better, I'll feel so much nicer about my physical self after a few days of cleaner eating, hey even knowing how I've eaten today and that I will be lighter tomorrow morning than I was today makes me feel better.

The good news is I now have a passport and ever since I've had itchy feet. I can't wait to leave Australia, I've trapped myself here in an obese body for so many years that going to America in December is such a relief. Although I'm terrified about the flight and still have to call the airline and request an aisle seat (though I'm probably too late) and I need to get some of those stockings they recommend for long flights but have no idea where to get ones my size (if you have any online sites you can recommend send them my way please) the idea that I will leave the country is liberating, it's a release I can't wait to get away. I've been dreaming about meeting a man over there and never coming back, as in real subconscious dreams not fantasising. I grew up in the UK and I wonder about living in Europe somewhere again. Bottom line I need a change, but I think this has a lot to do with other areas of my life being less than ideal too. The man I've been vaguely involved with for too long doesn't really meet all my needs (I don't mean physically), actually hardly any of them and I crave that so badly that sometimes I wonder if he's still part of my life because I want the companionship of a relationship. I thought by the time I was 35 I'd be married and finished having children but I'm 36 and so far from that idyllic picture I had when I was 13 that at times it scares me because I wonder if I'll ever have that, if I can dare hope that a man will want me in his life, regularly, fully together, that Saturday evenings at home don't have to be alone. Just a bit despondent in this area I suppose at the moment and I think that has added fuel to the fire of my restlessness.

So that's me at the moment, struggling, trying to do the right thing by myself, trying to be nice to myself, to be full of hope, trying to process emotions and really trying not to give into despair.

Upside down!

2011-11-10T19:57:00.001+11:00

Just quickly wanted to say I'm still here, not hiding, life is crazy, I feel like I've been totally overwhelmed by everything, my doctor went away, a full night's sleep seems to be a distant memory and my meds ran out.

I've got so many things on my to do list I don't know where to start!

I've now been to the doctor and have a script with 5 repeats, I have a session with my psychologist and I'm feeling more balanced like the pressure's been released a little.

Monday is over woo hoo

2011-10-24T22:36:00.000+11:00

So as you know per yesterday's post my weekend did not go well. It wasn't abismal, but I let go of that lovely zen feeling when I know I'm doing the right thing by myself.

Today I attacked my week well, this is how my day panned out

Around 1500 calories
Almost 3 litres water
30 minutes on the elliptical
Admitedly too many coffees but I included the skinny lattes in my calories
No tv watching
Only post dinner eating is the 45 calorie hot chocolate I just finished (and there is no risk of eating anything else because as soon as I'm finished this post and reading a few blogs I'm off to bed)

Argh why can't every day be that good?!!!

I love reading other blogs, seeing how other people approach similar goals, its really interesting and refreshing too, especially when you've been chipping away at the same issues for literally decades! Finding the blogging community was one of the most comforting things I have experienced in the past few years, I really value every comment with support, advice or suggestions, I value every story I read out there where bloggers are writing so candidly about their struggles and successes.

Yesterday I received comments from Miss April who you can find here and Gen who you can find here.

Miss April made an awesome remark I love it, positives are powerful. She's right you know, focus on the positives, put out positive vibes and you never know what the universe will provide, bluff confidence and eventually you'll feel it, think like a thin person and your body will catch up.

Gen's comment was fantastic too and reminded me of strategies I've put into the past I think my solution would be to make a detailed schedule for the weekend (give it that same structure a weekday has) and stick to it. For example get up, go for a walk, have breakfast, clean house, read a book, have lunch, run some errands, practice a hobby, etc. As long as I stick to it and don't start procrastinating (another emotional eating cue), there wouldn't be much time for mindless eating during the day. Especially if meals are decided in advance too! I have a heap of beads and jewelery making bits and pieces and I loved doing that but at the moment I am midway through this professional project I have to do as part of my award. It's horrible and I spend a lot of my down time avoiding it, then I start snacking.I have to knock that on the head then I can do whatever I want on my weekends without using food as a way to avoid finishing this project.

Another great thing about the blogging community, people look after each other; there is an absolute sweetheart out there who made me all these beautiful bracelets when I admired the ones in a photo on her blog. I feel very spoilt and love them all.

Weekends are hard

2011-10-23T20:38:00.000+11:00

I'm pretty good during the week, there is routine, a systematic approach to my day but when it comes to the weekend the wheels come off the wagon and I go into eating mode. I'm awaiting flo's visit so that doesn't help. I'm yet to visit the gym this week but have plans to go tomorrow after work, I will go tomorrow after work.

I could look at the positives too.

Friends came round on Friday night and the suggestion was made to order food but I reminded them there was food in the freezer that they had put there and I was happy with a tuna salad.
I went out yesterday and made the sensible choice of actually eating a salad sandwich before I went out as I knew I would end up in a shopping centre and ravenous, not a great situation to be in.
This morning I went out for breakfast with friends and thought about the corn fritters with avocado and salsa, the bircher muesli (while full of fibre can be high in sugar and fat), the smoked salmon scrambled eggs on challah bread sounded amazing but I opted for poached eggs on wholegrain bread with mushrooms, forgetting I don't like their mushrooms or their bread for that matter. I came out having 2 skinny lattes, 2 poached eggs and a slice of toast.

While they are 3 good things there have been things like cereal for dinner and snacks, extra crackers or a slice of cheese there and general snacking that didn't need to happen. So I have 4 days to pick up my game. Tuna salads, smaller breakfasts, less carbs and 4 bottles of water a day (2.8 litres)

Onwards and hopefully downwards!

Two weeks in a row!!

2011-10-20T19:36:00.000+11:00

Well today being weigh in day I need to report my results. I wasn't incredibly positive about a loss, I ate a lot over the weekend and knew it too! I haven't exercised since the weekend but I have been very careful of portion sizes, avoided carbs in the evenings, drunk lots of water and I managed a positive result.

I lost 0.6kg/1.3lbs this week, I'm happy with a loss, I'm so happy with losing 2 weeks in a row. Yes I know I put on lots in the previous month but I can only focus on the positive. In relation to this I was reading Skinny Emmie's latest post entitled The Confidence Project. This great piece reminded me it's ok to say, I am proud of my efforts, I'm doing well and when I look at the other results from my weigh in are all positive, while I lost .6kg over all I actually lost .7kg of actually body fat and was up 1% hydration. These are little things but it's important for us to recognise all the little achievements not just the huge obvious ones and that's what I took from Skinny Emmie's post today.

So this week I need to concentrate on the weekend and not let outside influences change how I am eating and behaving. I also need to drink even more water, ugh, so difficult and up the exercise, I've really not been committing to that, so how about at least 2 days of exercise between now and my next training session next Thursday. Easy achievable goals to set.

Temptation

2011-10-18T18:57:00.000+11:00

All I can say is look what I said no to today...

Seriously, look at it, there were so many of them I could have had more than one, look at the icing!!!

The thing is I loooooooovvvvvveeeeee icing, especially ridiculously thick, buttery, sweet icing like this. I nearly took one, my collegue even asked, are you sure? I genuinely mean it caused me anguish to say no and I admit I felt like I was missing out, there is no substitute to a cup cake such as this!

On a totally different note I had a hefty weekend, I have people staying most weekends at the moment and I get caught up in the eating and drinking. My plan was really lean eating for the rest of the week, lots of whole, raw foods which I've been doing, and gym each day but I've been to my osteo because my heel was twinging and one of the bones in my right foot was dislodged. He wrenched it around and yanked on my leg and told me to rest up for a couple of days.

Not exercising makes me nervous about my weigh in on Thursday but there's nothing I can do about overeating a few days ago, just concentrate on the next 48 hours, keep my eyes on the road and not get distracted by things like giant, delicious, excessively iced cup cakes!!!

Dealing with prejudice

2011-10-16T08:18:00.000+11:00

On Friday evening I had a few drinks and was thoroughly obnoxious towards a few very close and treasured friends. I was rude, bossy, loud, self-centred and generally had my head up my own arse I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I don't like that person but she seems to come out these days when I'm angry about something. Now this is not socially acceptable behaviour but this is where I have previously swallowed the anger and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

So what happened to turn me into such a bitch on a beautiful Spring Friday evening?

I was driving home from work, very nearly ending my journey just winding my way through the back streets in the direction of my apartment, I admit I was dawdling, there weren't many cars around and I was turning right into a road, and I took the corner a bit tightly cutting across and at the same time a car appeared and as I turned the older man yelled something like reckon you can fit around there fat bitch?

I didn't really take much noticed at the time I was in such a great mood with it being a lovely Friday evening and all but as I arrived home my guests rocked up at the same time and I didn't have any time to process my day, let alone that experience. As the evening progressed and I had a couple of drinks my behaviour became worse and worse and my 3 fantastic friends wore the brunt of my pent up grrr. I apologised yesterday after I had spent some time by myself and was able to reflect on what had actually gone on. All is good now and I didn't even emotionally eat my way through the guilt, woo hoo!

As any obese person knows you can cop a lot of abuse out there, people still think it's ok to abuse the fat person, like there are no feelings involved. I'm always fascinated with readers comments on newspaper websites which deal with obsesity issues, be it cost to the healthcare system or plane seat width. It's amazing the massive proportion of comments that are essentially fat bashing. Being overweight is not healthy and being apathetic about the need to change isn't either but abusing an obese person is horrible. Shouting Fat C*&t at me on a city street is not providing me with information I don't know it's just being offensive.

I'm not crusading Fat Acceptance here, I'm really not, I just get upset when people think it's acceptable to hurl abuse at me simply because of the way I look. It's like the last bastion of acceptable prejudice and that really pisses me off.

Results!!!

2011-10-13T22:07:00.000+11:00

After 10 days of calm eating I can report a loss from last week when I discovered I had put on 5kgs (11.02lbs). When I got on the scales today R told me I had lost 3kgs (6.61lbs) Woo hoo I was feeling good anyway but hearing that was awesome I instantly felt on top of the world and got so much more satisfaction than had I discovered that on my own scales. I think that increased level of satisfaction is because R has these amazingly expensive scales which are incredibly accurate and also it's someone else telling me I've lost 3kgs my efforts wholly paid off. Although I'm really excited about this new zone I've found myself edging into I'm attempting not to talk about it and announce my loss to people or my new efforts and increased focus because then people (understandably) feel entitled to keep asking questions from week to week and when the results aren't as exciting as they were today I'll feel pretty crappy, no point adding to my pressure.

I've focused mainly on my food intake and I have to admit that exercise hasn't really featured that heavily in my week. I can only concentrate on one thing and I know and understand fully that it's food holding me back and I want to cement these new habits I'm bringing in instead of trying to tackle everything at once. Don't get me wrong I'm not ignoring exercise I'm just not laying into myself for not going to the gym every day.

Anyway the thing here is consistency, I need to do the same this week and the week after, that's the tricky part.

Holidays are over :-(

2011-10-10T17:58:00.000+11:00

Back to Monday again and a new term begins!

I'm still keeping it together food wise, but I should mention I did slip up for a moment today. A child brought a delicious looking cake into work for their birthday and while I was cutting it up the smell and the crunch of the butter icing as I cut it was too much for me. I didn't have a whole piece just a few mouthfuls and when I put it into my calorie counter I included a whole piece to make sure I'd accounted enough calories. It just means there will be no after dinner snack this evening. But that is what it's all about right, deciding what you really want, and where you want to spend the calories however I'm going to suffer sugar cravings at least for the next 24 hours and I've got to ride them out.

So food has been balanced and in control for almost a week now but trying to develop an exercise routine is proving harder than I imagined. I have a sneaky suspicion my plantar fasciitis is coming back as I've been doing lots of walking on the treadmill and I've got blisters on both feet from new sneakers. I've booked an appointment with my osteo next Tuesday so I can jump straight on this, don't want my foot to get to the point it was earlier this year where I'm in absolute agony and avoid exercise at any cost!

Five days

2011-10-09T16:28:00.000+11:00

Yep, for five days things have been good, for five days I have made good choices, healthy choices, done things that are good for me be it exercise, food, sleep, even conversations that needed to be had with certain people. I'm looking forward to reaching past 9 days because that has been my only measurable comparison from earlier this year when I kept it together food wise for that long. I know five days doesn't seem like much to celebrate but it's hard work and if I just attack each day at a time with the appropriate, balanced, healthy attitude I'm sure to be more successful than beating myself up for past mistakes.

I'm feeling so much better, and whether it's my imagination or not I'm pretty sure parts of my body are shrinking back down after my recent spat of bingeing. Weekend eating gets confusing with really late breakfasts, a snack and dinner being my only meals but that seems to work. Right now it's 4.30pm and I'm using the internet at a friend's place and they've made a snacky lunch of left overs and such and they smell good, I could definitely eat but I'm really not sure I'm hungry enough. This hunger thing is tricky when you're not used to it being instinctive and listening to your body properly.

I'm back at work this week and at this stage I'm looking forward to getting on the scales on Thursday and seeing how this new attitude is working for me, I've got to get rid of that 5kgs, then I'm allowing myself a haircut. Desperate times hey, my hair is getting so knotting I trimmed the ends off myself in a friend's backyard just to tide me over because I know I'll be booking an appointment soon! (I even resisted chocolate brownie with my coffee yesterday, damn they looked and smelt amazing)

Being real with myself is important

2011-10-06T21:57:00.000+11:00

Thursday is training day and after floundering over the past month I decided to get on the scales. It's been one month and as I've confessed I spent a few weeks bingeing, drinking and over indulging in general and really not smashing out enough exercise to keep damage to the minimum.

After having a great week I ummed and ahhed about what I would say to R, whether I would be real with myself and jump on the scales or have more time to feel as though I had redeemed myself. R gave me an out and decided not to take it. I got on the scales expecting the worst, I have been telling myself I had gained 10kgs, exacerbated by how horrible I am feeling physically but in fact I have put on 5kgs exactly, scary how easily and quickly it goes on isn't it.

I'm in a great zone right now, I'm not going to let my mistakes of those weeks get the better of me and ruin this new mojo I've found. I'll have got rid that in no time and move on to attacking the rest, starting with my hips I hope.

Right now I'm waiting for a friend to have dinner, I can smell it in the oven (Thursday being training night means pasta for dinner) it's almost 10pm she should be here soon, I'm starving, my tummy hurts I'm so hungry, I had 6 dry roasted almonds about an hour and a half ago and I'm about to start chewing my arm off, it's all I can do not to go and make toast or something. It's going to taste soooooo good when I do finally eat.

A - Z of me

2011-10-06T14:30:00.004+11:00

I found this on Miss April's blog 30 before 30 and I am a complete sucker for these sorts of things, reading them and getting on the bandwagon too. As an aside you should go and have a look at Miss April's blog, honest, determined and keeps it real.

A. Age - Don't like writing 36 but I'm a much healthier me at 36 than I was at 26, mentally and physically! That said I just found my first grey/white hair :-(

B. Bed size - Queen

C. Chore you dislike - Hoovering and dishes, but now I live with a dishwasher I only have to bitch about the hoovering

D. Dogs - I handed in my license to own pets after giving 2 dogs and a cat away, I'd love a dog but I just don't have the time or space to commit to one. Dog person all the way though.

E. Essential start to your day - Shower, breakfast, coffee, in that order on a work day

F. Favorite color - Hmm, blue/purple, never quite sure

G. Gold or silver - Silver definitely

H. Height - 5'3", short arse!

I. Instruments you play(ed) -clarinet through school, every now and again I use a recorder to learn the melody of new songs for work

J. Job title - Kindergarten teacher

K. Kids - None

L. Live - Australia

M. Mum's name - R

N. Nicknames - D

O. Overnight hospital stays - A couple of nights about 14 years ago for an infection from insect bites, I was terrified. I now have awful scars on both calves, nothing I can do about it.

P. Pet peeves - I'm pretty intolerant really, but there is no excuse for bad manners. I also get incredibly pissed off with people who think it's ok to talk about my size, be this strangers or family members, like I'm not in the room, like because it's a visible issue it's ok to discuss it constantly.

Q. Quote from a movie -This is really bad, really sappy but I loved "you had me at hello" because it can be so true, be it a friendship or relationship. There are other favourite ones but this is the one that comes to mind right now

R. Righty or Lefty - Right handed, left hand is useless

S. Siblings - 2 brothers

T. Time you wake up - 6.30 on a school day, + snooze time

U. Underwear - I can't wait to visit America at Christmas time, I will be stocking up big time. I find it really hard to get underwear that is comfortable here that doesn't span from thigh to waist. I can't wait to get down at least to a size 20 arse just so I have some choice in the shops around here

V. Vegetables you don't like - brussel sprouts, celeriac, fennel, beetroot mostly

W. What makes you run late - Grossly underestimating how long it will take to get somewhere and fiddling around on the internet

X. X-rays you've had - teeth, years of bingeing on sweet crap really did their damage on my teeth

Y. Yummy food you make - I have an awesome recipe for a pasta bake that uses low fat cottage cheese and ricotta, healthy, filling and delicious. I'm really into salads now it's Spring, I chop everything really small use lots of different flavours and herbs too.

Z. Zoo animal favorites - I really don't like zoos, I can't bear seeing animals in captivity. My favourite animal would be the elephant though.

It really feels like Spring :-)

2011-10-04T22:10:00.000+11:00

A great day, not sure what I did with it other than finishing painting the window and door frames in my apartment and going to the gym but I'm feeling good.

I woke up this morning with something resembling resolve, I'm not sure where it came from or how it got to me but suddenly I feel again like I can do this. I'm confident I'll soon start seeing some changes in my body, for starters losing the weight I know I've gained in recent weeks.

I have an appointment with H next week and I've even written down some notes about a couple of things I need to talk through with her. Look at me being all proactive, I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere with all that stuff, every now and again I get despondent, it's just so much hard work to change your entire way of thinking and approaching life. For example I'm seeing my family this weekend and feeling chunky as I know I've mentioned but I'm doing everything I can to not let it bother me, make the most of the next 3 days and treat myself well. I've decided that I need to put an end to the conversations about me, my size/weight etc it's detrimental to me and I can't listen to it any more I must be blunt and tell them I avoid them because conversations that they want to have about my body make me feel like shit. I've decided I need to end that because I can't carry it around with me all the time, the dread about seeing them, the guilt about letting them down I hate it, family shouldn't make you feel like that. So I have a few little speeches prepared for the inevitable questions about why I've put on weight or general conversations about my choices/behaviour etc in relation to my health.

I measured my calories today, it may send me insane after a while but may help just getting used to eating less again after the past little while of bingeing on top of over eating. I'm determined not to let any anxiety about flying overseas in December get the better of me. I've organised insurance, I've had the passport photos taken, I need to get a friend to witness it and then it's done, then a visa and I want to call the airline and book an aisle seat for each stretch of the journey, well maybe not Melbourne to Auckland, I'm happy to be locked into a window seat for a few hours but for the big leg I'll want to get up and move around and I'm not going to squeeze my enormous arse in front of someone or keep asking people to get up so they can complain about obese people flying. One priority I have is getting some compression stockings, I've heard they are not really comfortable but they really make your legs and feel feel much better. Any advice anyone has about where to buy these, online is fine but I want to get that organised asap and I need to hear from anyone who has some suggestionsro

Anyway blah blah blah not going to get antsy about it I'm going to grasp the resolve and ride the wave as far as it takes me.

Great to see a few more followers there, I know I ramble and jump from place to place but I write as it flows.

Monday mumbling

2011-10-03T23:22:00.000+11:00

One step closer to having speedy and reliable internet. I've been so frustrated with the lack of internet since I moved, but I should only have to wait a little while more and I will be back to wireless network etc. That said a friend has kindly lent me a dongle stick and I've hooked it up with 1g of data, should be enough for the next month or so.

Not having had the internet means I feel as though I'm out of the loop, I've been catching up on blogs I follow and I have to admit I'm a bit overwhelmed, there are so many interesting pieces to read out there in the weight loss/health blog community and so many fiercely strong, determined people who have so much to say. I'm all caught up, well I think I am and I'm attacking this week with a feeling of productivity.

Last week I slept, I slept and ate and read a little and slept, I really can't believe how much sleeping I did. It wasn't the depressed lethargic 'oh well I might as well stay in bed all day there's no point in getting up' kind of sleep it was the 'holy crap I've not slept properly or relaxed fully in months' kind of sleep. I've actually read you create a sleep deficit that you actually have to replenish fully not just have an early night to make up for it all.

Sleep aside I've been pottering around my apartment, making the courtyard habitable, cleaning, washing, painting, sorting but this week I have some work stuff to do, more painting, I need to order a new base for my blender, organise a tax return appointment, all that kind of fun stuff. My point being, it's amazing how much sleep effects my ability to function, I know I have touched on this so many times but it really is imperative however I have this thing in my head that says sleeping is being lazy, more sleep = more energy used, 8 hours is too much, give yourself 6 and get more done... I know its absurd but it's how my brain works even though I'm trying to be sensible and balanced about everything.

Sleep, exercise and water are my key focuses at the moment, here's to some continuity.

As a footnote I suppose I'm heading down to see my family on the weekend and I'm freaking out, I'm trying not to but I am. I'm feeling really chunky at the moment, I know I'm holding more weight than I was when I last saw them and I know they'll notice. Because of this I feel really stupid talking about a new gym etc when I have so obviously put on weight since I last saw them. And hey guess what this self-imposed pressure is doing to my food intake? I wish I could get this fuck you I'm ok with who I am kind of calm going on with my family but I wonder if you can really ever have that

Help!

2011-10-01T22:37:00.002+10:00

Can anyone offer any blog design assistance.

For some reason my blog has started to look a bit weird, I've checked all the design and template tabs but nothing seems to work.

It'd probably something really simple that I've done but I can't work it out.

Any suggestions?

Supermarket struggles

2011-09-28T15:08:00.001+10:00

Today I finally did my big shop and came out feeling very virtuous; the worst thing in my trolley were 2 boxes of coke zero.

Lately my supermarket trips have been frequent, containing very little fruit or vegetables and always involved a variety of foods I would be eating in the car on the way home and eating all at once when I got home, so I guess regular binges that flowed from the car to the home in one embarrassingly smooth and practised movement.

Today I went in with my list, I included everything I could think of so that I wouldn't need to stray from the list because I was worried if I had to get something off the list then I would give myself permission to buy the things I've been bingeing on lately. Some of these foods caught my eye as I walked from aisle to aisle and it was all I could do to walk past them even though I could almost taste them in my mouth and imagine how much I would enjoy them. (how fucked up is that)

I came home and had my planned sandwich, water and a coffee afterwards and shocking as it may be to me, my hunger was sated. I was just sitting here wondering why it takes so much effort to behave in a healthy balanced manner but I know it's because it goes against the unhealthy, maladaptive habits I've practised for decades, duh! It's times like these when I think about my therapists analogy of smoothing down the wooden slide with years of behaviour and being healthy and making better choices feels so uncomfortable and laborious because I'm simply working against the grain.

New regime

2011-09-27T16:23:00.004+10:00

So yesterday was a great day for my food intake. I felt hungry before eating time, I stuck to the portions I'd allowed myself, I drank water if I was still hungry afterwards and things generally feel a lot calmer than they have in weeks. I just need to get back on the exercise bandwagon now. Gym commitment for tomorrow!

So this is my menu for the week and if I make any alterations I am writing them down as soon as the decision is made but it's got to be a logical alternative, I can't replace fruit with crackers or bread.

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
Breakfast	Toast Promite Low fat cream cheese	Porridge Blueberries Plain low fat yoghurt	Vitabrits Fruit Low fat milk	Porridge Blueberries Plain low fat yoghurt	Toast Promite Low fat Philadelphia
Snack	Shake Fruit	Shake Fruit	Shake Fruit	Shake Fruit	Shake Fruit
Lunch	Tuna and salad 1 multigrain dinner roll	Tuna and rice salad	Low fat cheese and salad sandwich	Tuna and rice salad	Egg and salad sandwich
Snack	2 x cruskits Low fat cottage cheese	6 almonds Dried apricots 1 Slice low fat cheese	Carrots and hommous	6 almonds Dried apricots 1 Slice low fat cheese	2 x cruskits Low fat cottage cheese
Dinner	Fish and vegetables	Felafel and salad	Tofu and vegetables	Lentil burger and roast vegetables	Salmon and vegetables

Looks good as far as I can tell and I know it's the kind of menu I used to have when I lost the initial batch of weight, without appetite suppressants, without delivered meals just sensible eating and a gym membership, both of which I have :-)

So on my post yesterday I had a comment from Black Kitteh who has a blog over here. She and her friend are embarking on a 90 day challenge, basically a Christmas challenge and I suppose I am on the same time frame as my ticket to San Fransisco is booked just before Christmas :-) I reckon we can do a lot in 90 days. Already after 2 days of eating I am feeling better and I swear my boobs are not as enormous as they were on Sunday (this could be my imagination or it could be true, boobs are the first place I lose weight) but my belly is still feeling expanded from the last 3 weeks of bingeing, but not for long though!

A last hurrah

2011-09-25T21:14:00.002+10:00

I really should be just slinking in here head hanging low and tail between my legs. It's been an age since I last posted and I'm way off track, so far off track I've gone completely off the map.

The thing is that I've been freaking out about a number of things and really having no idea how to handle them, but I think I have managed to tackle one head on! I've been saying for absolutely ages that I want to go to San Francisco and visit friends over there but I've been putting it off because I haven't been losing weight as I had hoped to be. Consequently I've been putting it for literally years. I finally set myself a vague time frame of this year and gradually the year has slipped away from me. My friend from San Francisco has been over here fir the past week and after chatting to her I decided it was crunch time, I've been faffing around for so long it's time! On Saturday morning I sat down in front of my laptop and booked flights to San Francisco in December. I have a time frame and I'm scared shitless!!! However there is no room, or more precisely no time for error or dilly dallying. I've enjoyed my week of wine, chocolate, cake, chips, crisps, deserts and it's been fun but now after my two week long foodfest (read binge) my clothes are tight, my face is fuller, I feel bigger, less fit, heavier, my boobs have grown and it's generally pretty embarrassing and im really not comfortable in my skin right now.

All that said tomorrow is countdown day, I'm going to go home and mark down how many days I've got till I leave, how many days I've got to exercise almost every day, eat healthy food, eat small portions and be really focused. I have a goal and it's really really worth it, 5 weeks of holiday!!!!

So i have holidays for the next two weeks, I have my meals planned out for the week and have done myself a specific shopping list and nothing more will be bought than what is on the list. I have planned workouts most days and am looking forward to the possibilities. Everyone knows when you're bigger and you make lots of changes you can really shock your body and initially lose weight quite quickly.

I've got my guard up, I'm ready for the fight, I've done it before. I've had my last false start,

A change of gyms is in the air...

2011-09-07T18:28:00.001+10:00

Last year I toyed with the idea of changing gyms but totally dropped this option when I visited a co-ed chain gym and was horrified by the superficiality of it all so stuck with the status quo.

The result of this is that I never get any consistency happening with my exercise routine because the bottom line is I don't like it. When I say I don't like it I don't mean I don't want to exercise, I don't like the environment, the staff turn around is huge, parking as I've often whinged is a major issue and well it doesn't have that grr thing that makes me want to exercise.

Over the weekend in between naps full of fever ridden dreams I had a look on the web at some options near me and found one that is less than 2kms from my new home. I ummed and ahhed about going to look at it (because if I look I might need to make a decision to actually amp up the exercise back to it's effective level) but drove past and found a parking spot almost outside. I took this as a sign.

I went in and it's pretty basic but clean and smell free and was really empty but then again it's not that big. Someone showed me around and gave me a run down of all the options, not the same range of classes but there is a morning boxing circuit and zumba on once a week. I like that there is no separate spin room and all the bikes are rolled up and lent against the back wall during classes.

The main things that stuck out for me are:

It's small

Marginally cheaper

Longer opening hours

It's apparently quiet in the morning and there's usually parking on the street at that time

On the weekends I could walk there do my weights and walk home for a perfect workout.

People are there to exercise not chat and I watched them keeping to themselves (that's me, head down bum up at the gym)

It has a local gym feel as opposed to the chain ones; there was no issue when I said I had a trainer who was also my nutritionist and I wasn't looking to change that.

They were friendly without the fake over friendly thing my gym has going on.

I can go in the morning and come home for a shower before heading to work.

I think I may be sold, I've written an email to R asking her about it as it's pretty local to her too and being in the industry she may have heard things. Thank goodness I'm out of contract at my current place. I'm excited, I think this could be a really good thing for me.

Building the foundations for a healthy relationship with food...

2011-09-05T12:14:00.001+10:00

When I'm sick I have a really bad habit of craving bad food (fluey, coldy sick not tummy sick obviously). When I say bad food, I mean lovely filling, comforting food like bakery produce, pasta, sweet cereal, toast, toast, toast, flavoured crackers but I'll stop there because it get boring.

Lately I have really been trying to tackle these urges head on. For so long I have tucked them away and accepted them just as being part of me and I think I may be realising they don't have to be. My therapist H is amazing, I know I've said that before but she gave me the analogy of a habit (such as reaching for food) being like a slide made of wood and each time you have partaken in that habit it smoothes down the wood making it lovely and comfortable and old and its so easy to jump on the slide and scoot on down but then you try to do something else in any situation when that habit is normally put in place and it feels so uncomfourtable like you are going against the grain of the wood but you can carve out another route. I guess this is what I'm trying to do, each time I choose not to binge I've gone down the slide to land in a better healthier place.

My last appointment with H was about a month ago and this was when she introduced me to the analogy and I realised last night how much this has helped me, especially this past few days. Even as I was coming down with the flu on Thursday night I was driving home wondering what I could buy on my way home to eat and make myself better (while still avoiding dairy because dairy and a cold/flu is a disaster, absurd thinking right) I couldn't decide so I drove directly home. I crawled into bed with water, panadol and the like nearby and began to feel less awful simply being by in bed so of course my mind turns to food and I began to justify ordering food (not a habit I have ever let myself get into) telling myself I need a proper meal, I can't be bothered to cook, I haven't really eaten since last night's dinner, I didn't buy anything on the way home to scarf down but in reality I knew I wanted to order food because I had tried some of an amazing pizza the previous weekend that was so good because it was totally smothered in cheese and salty deliciousness and being undertheweather I had serious binge urges going on. At this point I could wax lyrical about how strong I was and didn't order but I think my temp was around 39 so I was near delirium and passed out for many hours. As I have gradually begun to feel better and certainly been well enough to shop or order food I am poorly enough for the strong urge to binge is still skulking around, circling me, asking to be sated. I know I would love to tuck into a packet of biscuits or scarf down a couple of cheesymite scrolls but I keep telling myself what H told me about the slide and imagining the feeling of running my hand against the grain of unsanded wood. The urges are there loud and clear, I'm acknowledging them in all their ugliness but I'm using this tactic to help me deal with them in a healthy way.

So I don't know whether this is good or bad but while I've been sick this weekend and crushing the binging urges I have had cravings for tinned peaches in natural juice and sultanas which is pretty much all I ate all weekend. Now this hasn't been good for my insides but it hasn't been the same as bingeing, my body has been crying out for fruit and I've been listening.

These posts after realisations are always so random and jagged but I choose not to retype, rethink or redesign them because this is me, this is just the emotional learning I should have done as a child and a teen but didn't because I was too busy stuffing them into my soul with food.

Sometimes all this head stuff seems so laborious and soooo long winded, that I should be so much more focused on regime but I know I'm laying the foundations to a much healthier relationship with food and myself and that's the key. I've been slogging away for so long just trying to deal with the outside and having stints of moderate success but all the while knowing I needed to develop other skills to avoid the continued eating disorder. No matter how much I exercised if I was downing another day's worth of calories at the end of the day long term weight loss was never going to be mine.

I was blog hopping this morning and I found myself at a blog called Recoverybits about recovering from disordered eating. I can't remember where I jumped from and I have to admit I didn't read any more than this amazing post entitled 20 reasons why I am not going to binge right now. If you struggle with this you should definitely going and take a peek, I love it.

Oh I just made an amazing snack discovery, 2 rye cruskits smear of low fat cream cheese and sliced strawberries laid on top, off the hook delicious. Wish I could drink a skinny latte with it but got to wait till my head dries up!

Now it's time for some work.

Knocked out...

2011-09-03T17:46:00.001+10:00

I'm sick, again, yes! In fact I don't think it ever went away, I've been so busy, work has been crazy, I've been sleeping odd hours and really not enough. Between that and moving house there has not been a weekend in the last month that didn't involve cleaning, moving, packing, unpacking, traipsing around a crowded ikea, building ikea furniture or generally rushing somewhere. I think it's just all taken it's toll.

I was so looking forward to a weekend spent pottering at home, maybe next weekend :-)

So needless to say health, fitness, losing weight really has taken a back seat to moving house and just being well but Spring is here now, no excuses, I have a wonderful home, and proper sanctuary. I have however made a commitment in this area over the last couple of weeks though. I think I mentioned I let the doctor weigh me a while back but I really don't see him often enough to get enough motivation to keep heading towards the next goal then I go an email from my trainer saying she had bought these brand new scales and if I wanted to be weighed we could but if I didn't that's fine. I thought about this really carefully and I think the time has come to actually have some regular commitment, R is awesome, she never hassles me, never makes me feel bad and she weighed me at the start of last weeks session (I didn't look, I will one day) and I'll jump on the scales each week. When I first joined the gym years ago and started losing weight I was weighed every week and it worked. So we'll see what happens next Thursday.

So that's me for now, the main focus is getting well, sleeping and feeling good again.

Today...

2011-08-24T21:07:00.000+10:00

Recap:

I woke up focussed and calm and managed to cling to that positivity all day

I mostly thought before I ate, hard when you have set meal times at work

I didn't do any non-hungry eating including not eating past being comfortably full

I crushed the sugar cravings; I've been eating way too much lately and I know I just need to ride the wave until it's all out of my system

I cooked a delicious dinner see

Pumpkin and zucchini cooked in a griddle pan brushed with a little oil, a few chickpeas, spinach, a slice of feta, a few cherry tomatoes with a splash of balsamic vinegar.

And look I even managed to leave a little on my plate which I had to throw straight in the bin before I ate it.

Leaving food on the plate is so hard for me to do, so against my instinctive behaviour but apparently you just keep doing something then it becomes normal and comfortable

I guess I did sort of eat out of habit but I was also hungry when I came in the door and munched down a carrot but didn't reach for toast or crackers (beat the carb monster on that one)

So I finish the day feeling good, calm, productive, sated but not overly full.

Goals for tomorrow are the same, plus personal training, first exercise in two weeks; it's going to hurt.

Breakfast is boring at the moment, toast with low fat philly, promite and a coffee, I'm bored, any ideas?

Prerequisites are easy, quick, filling, healthy obviously, and not too much fibre or my tummy doesn't like me all day!

Tomorrow...

2011-08-23T21:22:00.001+10:00

I will start the day focused

I will think before I eat

I will stop eating when I'm full
I will push through the sugar cravings
I will cook a proper dinner

I will do as my therapist asked and leave a mouthful on my plate when I'm finished

I will not make excuses to start afresh tomorrow

I will not eat out of habit

I will not rely on carbs to fill the hole

I will forget about the last 2 weeks and focus on the exciting Spring months ahead

Will be a great day!

New home...

2011-08-22T20:01:00.000+10:00

Oh my goodness, what a couple of weeks! A week in bed with a horrible fluey coldy thing and then moving. However now I am moved and ready to start bringing the focus back to my health.

I've not been eating well, grabbing food on the run, shoveling in anything that filled the hole including of course a varied array of carbohydrates. Over the next few days I'm going to take a duromine just to get me back on the roll I was in before I got sick.

I feel really positive, new start, new goals, new home, I have a clean slate. I'm incredibly tired I slept form 7.30pm to 6.30am and I'm still exhausted. It's 8pm and I'm heading for bed I think.

Happy Monday everyone.

From me to me, with love...

2011-08-14T08:40:00.000+10:00

I was cruising through some blogs late last night, as in too tired to sleep o'clock and I found a recipe that sounded weird but oddly tempting, a milkshake that used cottage cheese (the blogger was adament it made the milkshake spot on texture wise) and lots of ice. I have a weird phenomenon going on in my freezer, I have long suspected it and last weekend it was confirmed when a friend of mine went to grab ice for our 'rusty nails' and found the tray empty, ie it had been put back in the freezer empty. Now I am definitely one to pull the ice tray out and leave it on the kitchen bench for weeks before I refill and return it to the freezer, but not actually put away an empty one, my freezer evaporates the ice, it has to, where else can it go, they don't leak, there are no pools of ice at the bottom of my freezer. I think it's further indication that my fridge/freezer is not altogether well, but I'll deal with that some other time.

Anyway to cut an unecessarily long story short, I was trawling through ebay when I discovered these

I know, I'm a geek I paid almost $30 for 2 of these babies in a lovely turquoise colour but if it means I can have ice that doesn't taste of freezer burn, or is in fact still, where I left it (as in filling the ice cube tray) then it's all worth it. Plus you can fill it up and close the lid while avoiding slopping half of the water onto the kitchen floor before even reaching the freezer. Woo hoo, how novel!

Either way Tupperware is fantastic, I see so many children's lunch boxes and snack boxes and drink bottles at work and I have massive envy issues :-) I drool over their catalogue, I know it's quality stuff, such good ideas and really lasts (I mean how many kindergarten sandpits have some seemingly indestructible 1970s avocado shaded Tupperware containers floating around in them?) but it's really not part of my regular budget sadly :-(

Back to the recipe, when I am actually someone who has ice in their freezer I would love to try this recipe but because I found it after much late night blog hopping I have no idea where it was, duh! Any ideas?

FYI This is by no means Tupperware endorsed I just am a keen Tupperware enthusiast, and proud of it :-)

Bleh, sick...

2011-08-13T23:40:00.000+10:00

Well I'm finally up and about; I've been out with a horrible cold, ear infection, temperature, conjunctivitis and general snotosaurus status for the past 6 days or so, started with a sore throat last Saturday afternoon, spent the evening having friends round and a couple of drinks and then bam I'm in bed for 4 days straight. Only yesterday did I crawl from my cosy though disease ridden cocoon and think, hmm maybe a shower and clean sheets might be a nice idea...too much sharing? Other than being sick, the only other thing I've had going on is getting ready to move. I made a decision that I would shift all the dribs and drabs and then hire 2 strong men and a van to move the dining table, sofa, bed, mattress, washing machine and fridge, way too much hard work for me to be bothered with.

So today was pick up the keys day for the apartment which was so incredibly exciting and already just with car loads I have moved most of my stuff. My method of packing is fairly haphazard, so when I start unpacking it's like Christmas, ooh a recipe book, ooh a cocktail shaker, ooh a cardigan. While this method is fun and feels like terribly efficient packing it does mean I make a hell of a mess unpacking. I haven't had the carpets cleaned yet and so can't pile things up in the appropriate rooms, consequently everything is stacked up in mountains in the kitchen, which did I mention is brand new, as in just renovated, a streak free gas stove, no meat has been cooked in that oven, no skanky food dregs in the dishwasher, just lots of shiny stainless steel, so exciting. I can't work out which I am more excited about the dishwasher or being able to make a stir fry for dinner, actually I think the dishwasher might win.

None of that is very interesting, I just wanted to check in, say hello and also to say thanks for all the commentors on my birthday post. I was really upset, but please don't think badly of my mother, I love her, she loves me, we're just very different in the way we view my issues and while she may not understand, it's not her fault when I don't give all the pieces of the puzzle. I was pretty gutted when I wrote that post mainly because it was a great day for me, I felt good, proud, happy, pretty, loved and then nothing and because that conversation was such a dark contrast to my lovely sunshiny feeling of the morning its timing threw me back to my teenage years trying to weave a web of half-truths around me in a futile attempt to hide my extremely disordered eating.

Either way I have moved on from that, now I'm just looking forward to settling into my new home next week and setting up my routine there.

Oh and a big welcome to a few new followers, thanks I really appreciate the support, this is going to be one long journey! :-)

I reached out...

2011-08-06T14:01:00.000+10:00

Everything is so busy at the moment that I only seem to have time to post on the weekends.

In the past week I have:

Celebrated my birthday
Made 3 gym visits and 1 training session
Eaten well and kept a diary of my consumption
Signed a lease
Handed notice on my current lease
Had to work on Saturday morning
Organised someone to take over my current place
Spent a day in professional development
Lost many hours of sleep worrying about moving
Had a massive breakthrough/achievement in not turning to food in a time of crisis

And now I'm planning a dinner party this evening at my place.

I'm exhausted, that old saying that if it doesn't rain it pours, damn straight, it's pouring!!

It is good to be busy and I'm excited about moving to a new, larger apartment further away from work but the whole process is so daunting, I have so many bits and pieces in this little apartment!

My biggest thing for the week was on my birthday, I organised yum cha with family and a few friends, I was feeling great, done my hair, make up, wearing a dress and proper shoes, a very happy camper on my birthday. I knew as soon as my parents arrived something was up. The meal was ok, I didn't eat much and was very very uncomfortable. Everyone left in a bit of a hurry and all of a sudden it was just me and my folks and my mum said I want to talk to you about something, I asked what and she replied that it wasn't the time or place. My response was that if it wasn't then why did she bring it up? I made her tell me, already knowing it had something today with food, exercise or not losing weight quickly enough for her liking. We sat down for a coffee and she spewed for this array of crap about not working hard enough, you need a new trainer, how hard are you really working with her, sure she's a nice girl, we're prepared to pay for someone for new for 6 months to help you, but we think its time for a change blah fucking blah. I was in such shock that she was a) doing this and b) doing this on my birthday. I said so you've been talking to my brother which she flatly denied but given whole sentences were exactly the same as he had used a week ago I'm pretty sure that was not true (cue visions of them all sitting down talking about me and dissecting my life). I was flabbergasted I explained I'm trying to fix my relationship with food and that eventually things would even out if I just persisted. I also confirmed that changing trainers was not negotiable and really it was all none of anyone's business I don't comment on anyone's alcohol abuse, drug use, bad diets because it's not my life. I appreciate the concern but I'm doing all I can right now. It's hard because I don't tell them about the depression, anxiety, social anxiety, doctors visits and the therapist because for so long my life has always but up for scrutiny, my family have always judged it, picked it apart like a carcass and I don't want to let them have that control anymore so I keep my cards close to my chest. The barrage of suggestions and criticisms continued for about half an hour and my dad sat and watched, so weird. I was getting really upset just wondering why they were choosing to shit all over my perfectly lovely day and then she said, oh I've upset you now, I suppose I've ruined your day, I knew you'd be upset. At that point I started making a move to leave knowing how close I was to tears. I managed to make it to my car and burst into tears, so much so that I started hyperventilating and had to really concentrate to fix my breathing. Now what is really fantastic is that despite this really shitty thing happening I called a friend instead of internalising it all and eating. I reached out, she came and got me, looked after me, listened why I hiccuped and cried, cooked me dinner and made me feel better, helping me rationalise a lot of the emotions running riot through my head.

I know it would probably be easier for my family to understand me if I shared a little of what has been going on with me the last few months but I know their opinion on depression, therapy and medication, it's weakness, not trying hard enough, you can exercise it away, you get the picture. I don't want to run the risk of pouring my heart out and then hearing how I really should be strong enough to push through it on my own and that I just need willpower. I guess I'm just disappointed that still my family can't leave me to live my life and work things out for myself, I know they are concerned for my health, but so am I.

Anyway I've moved on from it all now and I'm trying to just focus on what I'm doing right for myself at the moment, and you know what I'm doing ok!

I can barely believe it...

2011-07-29T23:22:00.000+10:00

The last couple of days have been good days generally. I went to the gym this evening to do my 3rd visit this week, I've not been eating through the evenings, my portion sizes are small, all seems pretty ok at the moment.

All that said I had bit of an epiphany, a moment of intense clarity hit me light a bolt of lightening and I was completely overwhelmed. I should probably set the scene, I was round at a friend's place that she shares with her partner, it's my second home, I invite myself, I help myself to whatever I need and generally am as relaxed there as I am at my own home. I should admit I was a little inebreated and we made coffee after dinner. I am still waiting for flo and have been craving chocolate all week. These guys have a big box of chocolate, from Easter eggs and candy canes to milky ways and blocks of dark chocolate, my friend got the box out (generally I don't even look) and I had a bit of a look, started taking things out, trying a bite of this a bite of that, then I started stockpiling things to eat with my coffee while we watched the latest episode of True Blood, I was rifling through that box like a woman possessed then I froze suddenly seeing what I was doing, put a few things back, kept some in my hand and stepped away. It was as though I was watching myself getting completely out of control. As I stood there leaning against the kitchen bench with all these thoughts racing round in my head trying to cling to the one that made the most sense. Suddenly it dawned on me, I completely let go and realised I could do what I wanted, I could eat whatever I wanted, I didn't need to cram it all in quickly before I was reprimanded, judged, or had it confiscated. I was there with this massive box of chocolate and I could eat anything and as much as I liked and I actually put some back, granted I still ate way too much chocolate but not to the point of feeling ill. I had actually stopped myself. You know what is seriously crazy I have never stopped myself because I've wanted to it's always been because I should, or the food I was eating ran out or I felt it was innappropriate and unnacceptable to keep eating.

This is huge, this is a turning point I feel.

When I was looking in my cupboards this evening trying to decide how hungry I was and what I felt like eating (also new!) I looked at my supplies and realised how full, varied and interesting the contents of my cupboards were, there are things in my fridge, delicious, tasty things that I had forgotten were there. Wow. Later on I was considering going to bed and thinking about my options and again I was struck by this feeling of freedom, I live by myself, can do whatever I want, watch a movie in bed, write, read, sleep, shower, hang out the washing, there were no feelings of obligation. I should stress I always feel obliged to do something!

While this may not be a permanent change, but just to feel it, to know what it feels like to have choices and control over your life and your decisions and to really be confident in this is so entirely liberating and really gives me hope that I can move past this, that there is a better life that I can create for myself.

There has been so much flying around in my head these past 24 hours that I have forgotten the second half of my epiphany was, but if I remember I'll update this and let you know and also to remind myself!

Is this the point where I really move forward, where my head actually catches up with what I have been trying to force my body to do all these years?

Dealing with disappointment...

2011-07-27T22:27:00.000+10:00

Today was not a bad day by any stretch of the imagination, bear with me I'm going through this process at the moment where it is really important to me to reflect on what I did right with my day and also what I enjoyed because if I make life too much about losing weight/getting fit/doing the right thing, whatever you want to call it, I'll start self-sabotaging.

Drank the better part of a 750ml bottle of water before getting to work (just about to finish my 3rd bottle)

Ate a delicious bowl of porridge with 4 dates, 2 dried apricots and a big blob of low fat plain Greek yoghurt, it was delicious. I would have loved some nuts in it but as Anna over at Diary of a Former Food Addict says, I find them way too 'nommy' (did I spell it right?) to have at home.

I enjoyed some lovely winter sunshine to warm up today

I made a huge break though with a child today and finally managed to get her to help me help her, it was heartwarmingly awesome to see a smile on her face when I have seen so many tortured tears lately

I've eaten only when hungry today, you know gnawing feed me hungry and ignored comments from someone along the lines of 'hungry again, I get hungry when I eat, I could go all day without eating' (I told myself firmly, that's great for her but doesn't work for me, my body is telling me it's been 3 hours since breakfast)

The biggest thing for me today that required a fair amount of effort was not responding with food to comfort myself when I got home this evening. At about 4pm I got a call saying I didn't get the apartment I was really hoping to and after an uncalled for comment from someone I was feeling really disappointed (and angry the real estate agent had asked me on Monday "would you be ok to take over the lease on the 30th July?" and led me to believe I was just getting final clearance from the landlord. Grrrr!) and immediately wanted to eat; nothing in particular but just food and wanting to eat. In that frame of mind it's not the food I'm craving, it's the fullness, the stuffing down of disappointment, anger etc which I suppose is why generally I go for stuff like bread, cereal in that kind of bingey mood (yes I have many ways I have liked to binge!) So I didn't eat; I came home and did my other little escape tactic, I slept. I had a 30 minute nap, spoke to my brother and my mother and a friend on the phone and the urge to eat had completely dissipated. After that I was damn hungry being half 8 so I had the same dinner pretty much as last night (cbf cooking) a cup a soup, 1 slice wholegrain toast, 1 tbs low fat cream cheese and it was tasty and plenty to eat. I've since had 100g low fat vanilla yoghurt with frozen blueberries.

I sort of can't believe I made it through that whole let down, I can't believe it's the end of the same day and I'm not post-binge comatose of the sofa, groaning with over-fullness, waiting for the indigestion to start and spending the night clutching a hot water bottle to relieve the agony in my extended belly. Wowsers, this is massive for me!

I loved Miss April's comment on my post yesterday. She wrote rock it every day because you are worth it!!!! I did, I totally rocked today too, in a huge way. I was faced with a challenging situation, I used all my strength and tools that I have learnt/acquired in the last few months (that includes medication) to battle an instinctive self-destructive reaction and I won. Excuse me but that is fucking awesome!

Another good day...

2011-07-26T22:04:00.000+10:00

Another good day!

I'm just going to be really boring and put the good things out there, be proud of my achievements.

Drank about half my water bottle before eating a delicious breakfast
Managed a good morning's work
Smashed through the paperwork during my afternoon in the office
Started inquiring about bookings for my birthday lunch on Sunday
And wow...this is huge...avoided manically eating while I keep waiting to hear about an apartment I applied for (was told I'd hear by end of business yesterday)
Went to the osteo and got him to double check my knee which I jarred the other day rolling my foot - all is good there just not pushing too hard the next couple of days - very glad I went and got treated though
Managed to go home after the osteo AND leave the house again to go to the gym. This, I only managed because I was rhythmically chanting in my head

Do not sit down

Do not touch the sofa

Do not enter the kitchen

Do not sit down

Do not touch the sofa

Do not enter the kitchen

Do not sit down

Do not touch the sofa

Do not enter the kitchen

Do not sit down

Do not touch the sofa

Do not enter the kitchen

(FYI - it worked)

I loved the gym, I think I have found my most preferred time of day to go to the gym, between 7.15 and closing at 9, the after work rush is over, most people are home having dinner and the gym is practically empty, awesome, just the way I like it! I did 20 mins on the treadmill and my weights routine, I was hot and sweaty by the end of it and no longer freezing cold.
I came home after the gym and had dinner, not really nutritious, but not a toast-a-rama either; a cup a soup and one slice of multigrain toast with 2 tbs low fat cottage cheese.
Oh and I have drunk 2.1 litres of water

I totally rocked today :-) I've got to be proud of these things otherwise what's the point, take ownership of the good instead of dwelling on the bad.

Happy Tuesday!

Looking at the positive...

2011-07-25T22:02:00.000+10:00

Good things about today

I had an awesome day at work even though it rained most of the day and we spent the entire session inside
I ate well at each meal and stopped when I was full
I was really productive when I got home and didn't turn on the tv
I had a great work out at the gym, proper sweating it up style - 40 mins on the treadmill and 10 on the elliptical
I finalised my birthday celebrations for Sunday
I have drunk 1.5 litres of water
I am waiting to hear about an application on an apartment and I think I'm on the shortlist

Hope tomorrow is just as good :-)